Life
by Skyscraper77
Summary: Rated M because I'm not sure where it's going to go. Also, not sure I'm too great at writing but I thought I'd give it a shot. I keep wanting this friendship/relationship thing to happen between Olivia and Amanda but I haven't read any that have been exactly like I want them(Although I have read some really great ones!) so I though I'd give it a try. Let me know what you think.
1. Drinks

It had been a long day in the squad room. Everyone had just about gone home except for Olivia, who was sitting at her desk finishing up her paperwork, and Rollins, who was gathering her things to go home.

"_You about done?"_ Rollins asked the older brunette.

"_Yeah, actually I just finished my last DD5. You headed out?"_ Olivia returned to the blonde.

"_Ah no, not just yet… I was thinking about hitting up the bar before heading home. Been a tough day, you know? Gotta blow off some steam. I was actually thinking about asking you to join me. I really don't fancy sitting at the bar by myself ya know?"_ Amanda asked in her southern accent. The city could be dangerous at night. Even though Amanda could handle herself, she didn't like taking chances if she didn't have to.

"_Um… hmm. Well, I usually would shoot you down but this has been a though case and a few drinks sound really good to me at the moment. Besides, it's about time for us to have some girl time to ourselves."_ Olivia smiled. _"I mean you have been here a little over a year and all." _After all, Olivia was tired of being alone, going out and drinking alone. Ever since David Haden had happened, she wasn't a real people person. Her trust had been tested. He had really hurt her and she wasn't forgetting it too easily.

*******************************Later at the bar*********************

"_Liv, how come the bartender knows you by name?"_ Amanda innocently asked after they were seated at a corner table in the back of the bar. The bar was full but not packed.

"_Ha well,"_ Olivia looked around a little embarrassed, _"I come here every now and then."_ Not wanting to give too much away from her personal life, Olivia tried to keep details at a minimum.

"_Oh…"_ Amanda wanted to learn more but she didn't want to be nosey and dig into the older detective's business.

An awkward silent moment passed before Amanda decided to go ahead and be honest, _"Liv, I wanna be friends with you."_

Olivia was slightly shocked and she was sure it showed on her face, _"Amanda, we are friends."_ clearly not sure what the younger detective was getting at.

"_No, I mean yes, I know we're friends, and not to sound childish or anything but I wanna be actual friends. You know, like outside of work. Olivia, I don't know if you've noticed or not but I don't have any friends. I mean sure, I've got people back in Georgia, but that's on the other side of the country. I just need someone to be honest with and hand out with. I know Fin and Amaro hang around outside of work, Munch has his "old people" club online that he meets with every now and then to discuss theories and play cards and whatever the hell they do… I just… I'm alone here in the city and I don't like it too much."_

Olivia was surprised, clear as day. It was obvious Amanda had been thinking about this friendship for quite some time. Olivia knew it was true, that Amanda really didn't have anyone in the city to hang with so she thought for a moment, maybe a moment too long because Amanda had started to regret ever saying anything.

"_Okay."_ Olivia looked at Rollins.

"_Okay?"_ Amanda asked.

"_Yes, okay. I could use another girl buddy to hang out with. Both Casey and Alex have left SVU, and Melinda has her husband and little girl so she never has any time to do anything. So yeah, okay. I would actually like to get to know you more Rollins, you seem like a pretty cool kid."_ They both laughed.

"_Haha, I was started to worried that I had crossed a line."_ Rollins added.

"_Oh no, Amanda. Don't worry about crossing a line with me."_ Olivia smiled then added, _"If you cross a line, you'll know it."_

After a couple of drinks later and a few hours of girl talk, Amanda decided to be bold and ask more about why the bartender knew Olivia so well.

"_So…"_ Amanda started off with.

"_So, Rollins if you're about to ask me something then just woman-up and ask it…"_ Olivia stated, not being mean, just firm.

"_There's more to why the bartender knows you so well, isn't there? I mean, I can see it in your eyes Liv."_ Amanda told Olivia softly. If this real friendship thing was going to really work then she just wanted honesty.

"_You're getting awfully close to that line Rollins…" _But Olivia smiled to let the blonde know it was a joke, that she wasn't being serious. _"Ah, yeah. Yeah there is."_ Olivia took a deep breath. She didn't really want to reveal this part of herself to Amanda. She didn't want the younger detective thinking any less of her than she already did now being Amaro refused to be her partner.

"_Wanna tell me about it? It's what friends do you know.."_ Amanda hinted at, _"It's what I'm here for too. You know if you need to get anything off your chest I'd hope you know you can tell me. I mean I assume I can do the same with you?"_

" _Of course, Amanda. That comes with this friendship thing, I guess. Honesty. I ah… I just don't know how to fraise it without… without, well sounding like a bit of a slut…"_

"_Olivia look, if you had a thing with the bartender then it's none of my business but-"_ Amanda didn't even get to finish her sentence before she was cut off by Olivia.

"_-No, no. Haha that's actually quite the opposite…"_ Olivia stated.

"_How so?"_ Amanda said, then added _"I've got pleanty of demons of my own, by the way. I might share some of them… You know, kinda like you show me yours and I'll show you mine…"_

They both started laughing at Amanda's little joke as she was trying to lighten the mood.

"_I um… I pick up men here at this bar…"_ Olivia stated, looking away. It was obvious to Amanda that Olivia was embarrassed and ashamed as she had probably admitted a small secret that she had barely told anyone.

"_Liv…"_ Amanda inquired, not fully understanding what this had to do with the bartender.

"_Um… Sometimes after hard cases or if I just need to let loose I come here and look for a guy to pick up and take home for the night. Bob, the bartender is a sweet guy. He keeps an eye out all night, helps me make sure I don't take home anyone crazy and such."_ Olivia had admitted to the blonde more than she thought she ever would.

"_Liv, I have no less respect for you but you don't have to do that. You are a beautiful woman. I'm sure you could get a decent number of men anytime you wanted. Why come pick up someone at a bar and have a one night stand?"_ Amanda honestly didn't understand. She'd had a few one night stand's herself, but she always woke up with a headache and a heart full of regret.

"_It's just easier that way."_ Olivia looked to Amanda and shrugged her shoulders. When she saw the blonde still had a puzzling look on her face Olivia added, _"Sometime you just get the urge, you know? Plus, after a hard case or a hard day at work, sex is a good stress reliever. Meaningless sex is better. No strings attached, no feelings getting hurt."_

"_Olivia, there are still risks. I mean do you use protection? There are STDs and-"_

"_-Jesus, Amanda! I'm not stupid! Of course I use protection. I'm on the pill, plus I always make my guy use a condom. And I get checked regularly."_ Olivia hadn't meant to but she kind of exploded on Amanda. Olivia wasn't some stupid teenage girl, she knew how to handle herself in the bedroom.

"_Okay, okay Liv! Okay. I'm sorry. I just wanted to be sure."_ Amanda looked at Olivia, and Olivia raised her eyebrow. _"Yeah, sure. So who are you banging these days?"_ She asked the blonde.

"_Wh-what?"_ Amanda wasn't sure she'd heard right. Olivia had had a few to drink but those few drinks were making her bold.

"_You heard me, Rollins. You already got the story of my current sex life out of me, now dish it out. I wanna know."_ Olivia didn't waste any time getting to the point. They came to the bar to start a friendship and have girl talk so that's what Olivia wanted to do.

"_Uh, it's been a bit of a dry spell since I got here…"_ She tried to explain to Olivia. Rollins really didn't feel like going into detail about it but Olivia was very persistent since she had told Amanda about her current state.

"_Rollins, you've been here for little over a year now. Are you trying to tell me you haven't had sex since before then?"_ Olivia stated softy, trying to get the blonde to open up to her.

Olivia looked in Amanda's eyes. She could see a bit of emotion. It was clear the blonde had been down a bumpy road.

"_I uh.. yeah. You see… some stuff happened at my last job with a guy in my squad and I'm still trying to get over it…. It's kinda why I transferred."_ Amanda honestly confided in Olivia.

Benson thought for a moment, she knew her next words to the blonde were going to be very crucial if she didn't say them correctly. _"Amanda,"_ Olivia leaned in to look at the blonde, _"did this guy hurt you in some way?"_

Amanda made a small sound that was supposed to be a fake laugh. _"Yeah, Olivia, yeah he did."_ Wow, Amanda thought to herself that was the first time she'd actually admitted that to someone other than the person she filled her report to back in Georgia.

"_Amanda,"_ Olivia started again, _"what did he do?"_ Olivia wasn't sure if she honestly wanted the answer but when Amanda hesitated to answer her, Olivia added _"Hey, we're friends, remember? We are gonna start telling each other stuff and honesty is a part of friendship."_ Olivia smiled at her.

Amanda smiled back, _"Yeah, I know. Alright, well he uh, he tried to force himself on me one night late in the squad room,"_ when she saw the look of panic on Olivia's face, she quickly added _"BUT he didn't, Olivia, he didn't. He had had a few too many and I was able to stop him."_

"_Amanda, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I wouldn't have pried into it so much if I had. But you reported him?"_ Olivia asked praying the answer was yes.

"_I did. I reported the incident. I may have watered it down a little when I was giving my statement but it was filed. No one in the squad could look at me the same way. Plus, I couldn't keep a clear mind and work around that place anymore so I got transferred. I wound up here."_ Amanda already felt better getting that information off her chest. She could really get used to this friendship thing with Olivia.

"_I'm here. If you ever need to talk or vent or whatever. I'm here."_ That's all Olivia could say.

Olivia raised her glass to Amanda, _"To friendship." _They clinked their glasses together and both smiled as they sipped their drinks.

"_Thanks, Liv,"_ Amanda told the brunette.

"_Ha, what are you thanking me for Amanda?"_ Olivia politely asked. She was really getting use to having a true friend in Amanda.

"_For not freaking out, ya know? And for being a friend. Ha,"_ Amanda looked to Olivia, _"Most people either freak out or run for the hills. They think I can't be a good cop if one of my coworkers tried something on me. It's just not a good feeling to be judged."_ Olivia looked to Amanda with emotion in her eyes.

"_Amanda, I know you haven't really known me for all that long, but I do not judge. Not judging is actually one of my main rules. I… Amanda, I've been there."_ Olivia told the blonde with a little bit of caution.

"_Liv… what are you talking about?"_ Amanda asked. She was starting to get worried. She didn't know what the brunette was about to reveal but she could hear the emotion behind her voice.

"_I um… I've been there. I was attacked. Not by a coworker, but I was sexually assaulted." _

Olivia looked down. She knew she had told the blonde entirely too much. She'd revealed way more than she ever dreamed she would. It must have been the alcohol running through her veins.

Amanda thought about how to fraise her next words. _"Olivia, look at me."_ When Olivia hesitated Amanda added, _"Please." _Rollins was beginning to sympathize with the older woman.

Olivia slowly looked up and met Amanda's eyes. _"Liv,"_ the blonde started with, _"Not judging is my policy too. Now you can tell me what happened or you don't have to. I'll understand either way but just remember I'm here, alright? Same as you said you're here for me."_

Olivia took a deep breath before she looked to Amanda again. She was going to try her best not to tear up but she was going to give Amanda some insight to what happened to her. After all, Amanda did instill trust into her when she opened up about her assault.

"_I was undercover at a jail named Sealview. I was taken to the basement of the jail by one of the guards and he tried to rape me. I fought, hard. He beat me, handcuffed me to the door, pulled down his pants and was about to force his penis in my mouth. He was centimeters from my face when Fin busted through the door and stopped him."_

She couldn't look up, Olivia just stared at her lap. She didn't look up until she felt Amanda's warm hand on her own.

"_Olivia,"_ Amanda started, _"It's alright."_ Her eyes were shinning bright as she smiled at Olivia. _"Looks like we've both been there, although your experience was a bit more intense than mine. Don't be ashamed and don't feel embarrassed. I know it's easier said than done though, believe me, I know."_ When Olivia just stared at Amanda, taking in what she had said, Amanda continued, _"I see you no different. I still see you as the strong, smart, senior detective. What happened to us is not our fault. We got through it and we've moved on. I know it's not easy telling it again, but sometimes it does us good to get it out of our system to someone new, ya know?"_

Olivia let out a small laugh and moved her hand to wipe away a stray tear that she had somehow let escape down her face. She honestly didn't know why she was being so emotional. Maybe it was all the booze. They were both a bit tipsy by now.

Olivia sniffed a little before saying, _"Thanks, Amanda."_ Olivia let out a small laugh before looking away. _"I um… I don't tell that story to many people. In fact, the only ones that know it are Fin, and my old therapist…"_

"_Oh…"_ Amanda thought for a second, _"Wait, you mean not even the Capt-"_

"_-No."_ Olivia cut her off pretty quickly. _"Um no, not even Captain Cragen knows. He knows something went down but I didn't put it in the paper work and he knows me well enough not to ask any further questions."_

"_Oh, alright."_ Amanda didn't quite know what else to say.

"_You tellin' me Cragen knows about your incident?"_ Olivia looked up toward the blonde waiting for an answer.

"_Ah, yeah. It seems once I reported it, it'll always be on my record. So now no matter where I transfer, it follows me everywhere…"_ Olivia didn't even think of it like that. She simply thought once the report was filed it would follow the perp around, not the victim.

The brunette could tell Amanda was questioning her decision to report the attack.

"_You did the right thing Amanda, reporting it I mean."_ Olivia inquired.

"_Yeah, I know. It's just sometimes I regret it. You know, sometimes it comes back to bite me."_Amanda thought for a minute but then added, _"You didn't report your attack to anyone did you? I mean you said you didn't put it in the paper work. You didn't get justice did you, Liv?"_

"_Ah, no but I didn't need it. I got justice for the little girl I was working the case for and for her mother. The guard that attacked me went away for a long time. That was good enough for me."_ Amanda looked at Olivia with sad eyes.

Olivia duley noted the mood was getting way too heavy. They needed to change the subject and lighten the mood a little. Girl talk and friendship was supposed to be fun.

"_Alright, well enough of that, haha. I say we order some shots of Whisky then be on our way. What do you say Rollins?"_ Olivia put her offer on the table waiting for the Blonde to accept or decline.

"_I say I think we deserve a few shots after what all we've talked about tonight. Count me in."_ Amanda smiled at Olivia. She truly thought this was going to be a great friendship.


	2. The Date

"_Goddammit!"_ was what Amanda heard from the empty interview room as she passed by. She looked through the window to see who had yelled the profanity, thinking perhaps it was a perp waiting to talk to one of the detectives, but the only person Amanda saw in the interview room was Olivia.

"_Liv,"_ Amanda said as she slowly opened the door, not knowing the reasoning for the older detective's outburst, she wanted to proceed with caution.

"_What?!"_ Olivia automatically yelled but once she turned around to see it was Amanda, she instantly apologized.

"_Oh!"_ She exclaimed, _"Amanda, sorry. I didn't realize it was you."_

"_What's going on?" _the blonde asked with worried eyes.

"_Nothing. Just blowing off some steam after interviewing a good for nothing piece of shit."_ Olivia could tell the younger detective was thrown by her use of foul language.

Before Amanda could comment Olivia added, _"Sorry, I'm just in a mood and I tend to have a potty mouth at times. I'm actually surprised you haven't heard it much before."_ Then she thought for a second, laughed and said, _"When my old partner, Elliot and I would get into our huge arguments, words would fly everywhere no matter how loud or foul"._ Olivia stopped to reflect on some of those arguments which were now fond memories to her.

Amanda smiled a bit. Now she realized everything was fine with the brunette, she felt more relaxed. Earlier she had feared something was wrong but now she wasn't so concerned.

"_Well, if there's anything I can do just let me know."_ Amanda half joked but then Olivia caught her off guard.

"_Actually, yes there is."_ Olivia smiled slightly then added, _"Friend, we haven't a girl's night out in a couple of weeks. We need to hang out and I could use someone to let off steam with. Wanna come over to my place tonight or tomorrow night and hang?"_

"_Sure. Let's make it tomorrow night though because tonight I um…I kind of have a date."_ Amanda shyly revealed.

Olivia was taken off guard. _"What? You have a date?"_ then she smiled. _"Congratulations!"_ Olivia knew how hard Amanda had been trying to make friends and such in the city since Amanda had confided in her and told her at their last girl's night out. Then Olivia's curiosity got the best of her _"With whom, might I ask?"_

"_I um, I actually don't know yet. It's sort of a blind date that some mutual acquaintances set me up on."_ Amanda was a little nervous/worried but she didn't want it to show so she laughed it off, _"Ha, so I guess all I can do is hope it goes well."_

Olivia gave her a reassuring smile, _"I'm sure it will. AND I expect to hear all about it tomorrow night…. I'll get the wine."_

"_Deal"_ Amanda said, and then walked out the door smiling to herself. She was really finding a friend in Olivia.

Soon the older detective had joined them back in the squad room. It was close to six and everyone was already wrapping up for the day, they were happily told earlier that they were allowed to go home early being they had just closed a case. Amanda was already in the lockers getting ready for her date. She had put on a navy blue dress that came down just above her knees so it wasn't short. She had on some three inch red pumps and a red belt at her waist to match, her blonde hair had been curled slightly and she felt good. At about six thirty she walked through the squad room heading for the exit when she heard a whistle. Amanda turned around to see Fin staring her down and Olivia doing the same as she sat at her desk.

"_Baby girl! You look good! You got a hot date tonight?"_ Fin asked in his usual voice but all Amanda could do was blush so Olivia answered for her.

"_Oh yeah,"_ Olivia smiled, genuinely happy for her friend who was having a night on the town with a special someone, _"She's got a date."_

"_Well, he better behave himself. You got my number if I need to kick some ass."_ Fin's comments really didn't surprise Olivia, he was just as protective of her as he was of Amanda.

"_It's alright Fin, I think I got this one."_ Amanda smiled and sent a friendly wave to Olivia as she left through the doors heading to the elevator. She was happy at the thought of having someone to go out on a date with tonight.

It was well after ten o'clock when Olivia heard a soft knock on her apartment door. When she'd gotten home, Olivia had done nothing but lounged around and opened a bottle of her favorite red wine. She was glad the case she had been working on was closed.

Sitting on the couch, wine in hand, she wondered who on earth could be knocking on her door. She remembered sometimes Elliot would show up if he and Kathy had had a fight and he needed to sleep on her couch or in her guest bedroom.

As she looked through the peep hole she spotted the younger blonde.

"_Amanda?"_ Olivia questioned as she opened the door, _"What are you doing here?"_

"_How about we open that bottle of wine now instead of waitin' til tomorrow?"_ Amanda looked tired and slightly upset, but not too upset to suggest foul play. Olivia opened her door wider to let Amanda inside.

As Amanda walked by Olivia to get to her couch, Olivia duly noted the brief smell of alcohol on her friend. She knew Amanda wasn't drunk, she could walk decently straight to the couch but Olivia figured the blonde had had some to drink on her date and was probably nearing tipsy.

Olivia went to fill Amanda a glass of wine and then returned to the couch. After Amanda took a sip of her wine, she and Olivia sat in silence for a moment. Olivia looked Amanda in the eye, she could tell something had gone down tonight. Maybe something with the date she had tonight, Olivia didn't know but she was gonna find out.

"_Amanda, what happened tonight?"_ Olivia questioned.

The blonde thought for a moment before she answered. _"He was an ass."_

"_Care to elaborate there Rollins?"_ Olivia replied with a slight smile, trying to lighten the mood.

"_He uh… he picked me up and we had a nice dinner."_ Amanda halfway answered her.

"_And then?"_ Olivia questioned more.

"_And then when we were getting dessert he uh… he told me some things he'd like to do… with me and to me."_ Amanda looked down, her cheeks were blazing red. Olivia couldn't tell if Amanda was mad or embarrassed. Or maybe both.

Olivia was starting to get worried. _"Amanda, what 'things' did he say?"_ Olivia was starting to worry that this blind date had had some kind of sick mind and was maybe into torture or S&M. Not that Olivia had anything against S&M, but it's not something you suggest or tell about on a first date. Especially a blind first date. Amanda didn't move much or say anything.

When Olivia realized Amanda probably wasn't going to say much more she put her hand on top of Amanda's to get her attention. _"Hey,"_ Olivia said, _"We're friends, remember? I'm not sure what happened tonight with him but you're really starting to worry me here,"_ She made eye contact with Amanda, _"Please, tell me what he said. You know I won't judge and you can tell me anything."_

It took a few seconds but Amanda finally answered in a whisper, _"He said he wanted to do things with me… uh, like lick me places and um… touch me. Make me feel good. That kind of shit."_ At first Olivia didn't understand why this had upset Amanda. If a man had said those things to her in the bar or somewhere, he'd likely be in her bed in no time. In fact, Olivia half wished some of the guys that she picked up at the bar would act like that, be into her in that way so it didn't seem like such one-sided sex. Olivia really didn't have much time to contemplate what Amanda had said before she began to speak again, and this time she was clearly upset.

"_I mean what the hell?! Do I really act like the ditsy blonde who you can fuck on the first date? Am I that girl that everyone assumes will open her legs for anyone willing? He was such a bastard! Thinkin' I'd screw him on the first date! In his truck no less… pig!"_

Now it was clear to Olivia. The younger detective had been hurt and upset by this man's lack of manners and poor attitude. The brunette knew Amanda wasn't the kind to get all hot and steamy on a first date, she could see how the blonde had been taken aback and hurt.

"_Oh Amanda,"_ Olivia began with, _"He was clearly an ass. I'm sorry for what happened and no, you do not seem like a woman that would fuck on the first date."_ Olivia smiled slightly, knowing how thrown off Amanda got when she cursed. To be honest, Olivia was a little thrown when Amanda had used the word early but she knew the blonde came from the south, she knew if Amanda got mad or upset enough that the curse words were bound to start flying sometime.

Amanda had been quiet for too long, she had started to contemplate her actions of showing up at Olivia's apartment. _"You know, it's late. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have bothered you."_ The blonde started to get up from Olivia's couch but the older detective stopped her, sat her back down, and refilled her wine glass.

"_Nonesense."_ Olivia began, _"My door is always open to you, it's what friends are for."_ They both smiled at that and clinked their glasses together much like they had done on their first "Girl's Night Out" at the bar.

"_Besides, I strongly applaud you Amanda."_ The blonde was both confused and surprised.

"_Wh- why?"_ She asked.

"_Because,"_ Olivia paused to take a sip of her wine before sitting it back on the coffee table, _"I can't say I would have turned his offer down."_ Olivia almost felt sick at the words she'd just let come out of her mouth. It must have been the wine. _"God, I'm such a slut."_ Olivia put her face in her hands in frustration. Amanda didn't quite know what to do. She sat her wine glass down by Olivia's.

"_No Liv, you're not."_ Amanda didn't know much about Olivia's sex life other than what the older detective had told her, but she knew she didn't want the brunette thinking bad of herself. Especially like this.

Olivia let out a fake laugh, _"You have no idea. I'm pathetic. I go to the bar to pick up men when I need to release my sexual tension because I can't keep a steady man in my life. If a man came up to me in the bar and whispered in my ear that he wanted to touch and lick my body I'd be all over him in a heartbeat. It's better than taking them home semi-drunk and having a quick fuck."_ The older detective was slightly starting to feel her wine. She knew she was releasing too much information.

"_Olivia…"_ Amanda started.

"_Yeah?" _Olivia answered.

"_I uh.. I wasn't just appauled because he thought I was easy or somethin'. Plus, I'm still a little uneasy since that incident that happened in Georgia with my coworker but I um… well there's another reason but I just don't…"_ Amanda was having trouble finishing her sentence.

"_Amanda, tell me. I've shared way too much information with you tonight anyways. There's nothing that could be more awkward than talking about my quick fucks."_ Olivia was very confident that whatever the blonde had to say would not be as awkward as she was making it seem.

"_I've never had anyone do that stuff to me." _Amanda blurted out, her face turning bright red. She darted her eyes away from Olivia's.

"_You mean, you've never…?"_ Olivia questioned.

"_Nope"_ Amanda simply answered.

"_But one of your former boyfriends never offered to you know, touch you or go down on you?"_ Olivia couldn't believe none of this had ever been done to Amanda. No wonder the woman was so weird about sex, she was inexperienced and had only had normal, boring intercourse. Olivia suspected foreplay was probably also not something that had been done with Amanda if she was acting like this.

"_No, I've only had about six men in my life. I only had sex with three of them and two of them I didn't stay with long enough for the sex to get good. I guess all that stuff happens when it does get good, huh?"_ Amanda didn't know if she was making a question of an assumption and neither did Olivia.

"_Amanda, I think you should try it."_ Olivia simply stated. _"I really do, maybe not with a stranger and not on the first date, but if you find a man and or with him for a little while, try it. It's not as awkward and bad as it seems. It feels good, really good actually…"_ Olivia started to laugh as she recalled fond memories of past men in her life. None of them had ever had a problem going down on her or touching her. It was just part of the sex. It was starting to sound like Amanda just didn't have good sex at all.

The blonde thought for a moment, her face still red hot from the topic at hand. It would take some getting used to knowing she could talk to Olivia about things like this. She loved this friendship though, it was exactly what she needed. She needed another woman to talk to about sex and guy problems. She needed someone to give her their opinion on stuff and such.

"_So it's uh… good? Not too awkward?"_ Amanda shyly asked the brunette.

Olivia slightly laughed, _"No, not awkward. I promise. If the man is willing then it just means he gets pleasure from bringing you pleasure. The same way most women give head because it brings them pleasure to see that they are able to please their man in that way."_ She simply explained. _"But, sometimes they do it because they expect something in return, in which you never have to retaliate. If the man think's like that, then he's just a pig."_

"_Have you ever given head?"_ Amanda had grown some balls in the last few minutes it seemed. Plus, she had enough wine in her system now that she could just blame it on the alcohol.

Never the less, Olivia was thrown off by the question. She wasn't anticipating Amanda to be so blunt but she was glad the blonde was getting more comfortable with her. Olivia sat back resting her head on the back of the couch and turning to look at Amanda, _"Ah yeah, I have sucked a few guys in my day."_

The blonde wasn't really surprised, she figured as much. She was just being nosy and wanted to know. When Amanda didn't answer quick enough Olivia added, _"Now don't get me wrong, I don't' get that intimate with my men unless I really have a thing for them, that's true dedication for me. I've gotta really be hot for you if I'm gonna go that far, you know? It's not like an obligation for me. It's more of the fact that I like him a lot, a few I even loved, and I wanted them to be happy. I knew them seeing me on my knees would do that so I obliged a few times. I don't regret it."_

Amanda just looked at Olivia with a somber face. She truly looked up to the older detective. This woman was so much more advanced sexually. Amanda had always been brought up with the knowledge of saving yourself 'til marriage and not doing such dirty things. It had been rather hard for her to lose her virginity when the time had come. She always had a small guilt feeling because she hadn't waited but she also knew she didn't want to. She couldn't see herself getting married so she didn't see reason to not have sex.

"_What are you thinking?"_ Olivia asked the blonde. She needed to know what was on her mind after she'd just shared such intimate details with her.

"_I'm thinking about how much I wish I was like you."_ Amanda said, which totally surprised Olivia.

"_No, you don't. Trust me, you don't." _

"_You're such a good cop, good detective, you're much more advanced at relationships than I am and at sex." _Amanda could go on for hours about the things Olivia was good at. She was an inspiration.

"_I'm glad you said no and didn't let him have you,"_ Olivia stated. _"He was probably a creep who wanted a quick fuck, but since he took you out to dinner he must have really liked you and didn't wanna chance a one night stand so he thought he'd treat you first to insure that he got sex… asshole."_ The brunette did not want to see Amanda hurt. She'd grown fond of her now that they were real friends and she'd had to have to kick that man's ass for hurting her.

"_Yeah, the buddy who set us up on the blind date said the guy had seen me in the photos on our buddy's facebook, thought I looked nice and wanted to take me out. I'm guessing that that just meant he wanted to fuck me." _

"_Look at it as a compliment, Amanda. You know you can get any guy you really want, so now all you have to do is just find the one you want. This one was just not it, don't worry about him."_ Olivia laughed out loud. _"If you want, we can look him up in the system tomorrow and give him a parking ticket or something. If he's this arrogant there's bound to be something we can give him a ticket for."_ Olivia and Amanda both smiled.

The brunette put her hand on the blonde's arm, _"Really, don't worry about this. He's an ass. That's all, and don't worry about the sex or other stuff either. It'll happen when it's suppose to happen, and with the right guy. You just got to be patient."_ Olivia didn't want her to worry about what they'd talked about tonight. She was a caring and gorgeous woman and Olivia didn't see any reason for her to need to worry with such things.

Amanda looked at Olivia, the brunette could see she had tears in her eyes so she reached to hug her.

"_Hey, really, don't worry over this. It'll be fine."_ Olivia comforted.

As they drew back from the hug Amanda picked up her wine glass for another sip. _"I just… I'm so tired of being alone and sometimes it just feels like that's all I will ever be, is alone."_

Olivia knew all too well about those feelings. _"You're preaching to the choir sister. I know the feeling. It sucks but it will get better."_

"_Uh, thanks for tonight. Again, I'm sorry I barged in like this."_ It was well past eleven thirty now. Amanda stood up, it was time to be getting home.

"_Amanda, really, anytime you need to come here, to talk, vent, whatever. I'm here."_ Olivia was very genuine.

"_Thank you, Olivia. You're very kind to me." _Amanda said with a smile as she was heading for the door.

"_I know what it's like to not have someone to go to when you need it. When I was your age, young and dating, new to the force I had no one. I don't want that to happen to you."_ Olivia smiled and hugged the blonde one last time before she left out the door.

"_Bye, friend."_ Amanda said with her perky smile.

"_Bye, friend,"_ Olivia repeated to her and added, _"Text me when you get home, I need to know you made it safe on through the subway at this hour before I can fall asleep."_

"_Will do"_ Amanda answered and with that Olivia shut the door and returned to her couch, refilling her wine glass, waiting to receive Amanda's text that she was home safe.

**So I realize I do indeed such at updating in a timely manner. I just can't always write, I have to wait until inspiration hits me. Also, being in college there isn't too much time on my hands so I have to write when I can. I'm not sure where this chapter came from. I hope you like it. Let me know if you do or don't. **

**Also, I can't decide if I should be a little dirty and let Olivia help Amanda explore the sexual favors or if I should go ahead and turn them into lesbians or just keep letting Olivia be her friend and be there for Amanda in her personal times. Any suggestions?**


	3. Shemar Moore

Over the next three weeks Amanda and Olivia got together several times. They talked about men, sex, their jobs, and various things that friends talk about. They were now on a level where they could pretty much talk about any topic and in as much detail as they wanted. Amanda had never had a friend like Olivia and she thanked her lucky stars that they had met.

Olivia on the other hand had experienced a friend like Amanda. His name was Elliot but their friendship had been over going on two years now. After months of ignored texts and phone calls left unreturned, Olivia had decided to write him off all together. She had also known that they were too close for the opposite sex. She could now see why Kathy had always felt threatened by her. Olivia had realized that if she had a husband she wouldn't want him being best friends with another woman, telling her his secrets and talking to her about everything. Olivia would want him to open and honest and talk but not with some other woman even if they were just friends. After all, that's what marriage is. When you get married it's supposed to be to your best friend, the person you can tell everything to and talk to about anything.

She had long since accepted Elliot's departure and his decision to cut her off completely. Olivia was still hurt at the way he did it, he could have at least given her a heads up or a goodbye for closure but she finally understood his reasoning behind it. He wanted to save his marriage. He needed to save his marriage. Especially if he was retiring, then his wife and family would be all he had left. Olivia just wished he had known that they could still be friends, maybe on a different level than they had been on, but at least they could still be friends in some sort of way.

During Amanda and Olivia's last "Girl's Night Out" this is what Olivia had gotten off of her chest. Their talk had mostly consisted of Elliot and Amanda didn't seem to mind one bit. She knew the brunette needed to talk about it from the moment Olivia and told her that she hadn't yet talked about Elliot with anyone since he left.

Tonight however, they were out having drinks and being girly; telling past stories and such. Amanda still had not had any sexual relations since her last encounter with the horrible blind date and Olivia hadn't taken a man home in weeks. She wasn't sure if she was trying to ease Amanda's mind about her taking home men from the bar or if she was just trying to break her own pattern. Either way, she needed her fix soon.

They were both feeling a little tipsy and Amanda had lost her shyness weeks ago. She had gotten to where she would just up and ask Olivia whatever was on her mind.

"_When was the first time a man went down on you?"_ Amanda just asked out of the blue after their third glasses of wine had been brought to their table.

Olivia nearly spit out the appetizer she was eating and burst into laughter. _"Haha, wait what?"_ She asked. _"You know Rollins, I'm really starting to like your forwardness. You're really coming out of your shell."_ Olivia added with a small laugh.

"_Yeah I know. That and I need details. I'm not getting no ass right now so I gotta live vicariously through you."_ Amanda half joked and smiled.

"_Well, do you want to know about the first time a man went down on me or the first time someone went down on me period?"_ Olivia almost shyly asked with a hint of curiosity in her eyes.

"_Wait, what? Are you telling me Olivia Benson has been with women_?" Amanda was now full on curious to the brunettes sex life. Amanda was learning that the older detective was indeed extremely more experienced in the bedroom than she was.

"_Well, when you're in college, things tend to happen…"_ Olivia said with a small smile. She was glad she could now laugh it off. _"She was my roommate and my boyfriend and I had been broken up for four weeks. We had both had some alcohol and I needed to relieve some sexual tension. She offered to go down on me, said it would just relieve the pressure and feelings I had."_ Oddly enough Olivia didn't mind telling Amanda about this experience.

"_And how was it?"_ Amanda questioned.

"…_amazing"_ Olivia shyly answered.

"_Really?"_ The blonde couldn't believe what she was hearing from the older woman.

"_Yeah, I mean I had never had anyone's mouth anywhere near my private areas before."_ Olivia stopped that thought for a second, _"Yes, I'd had guys suck on my nipples and stuff like that but this was different. Way different. I didn't know how it would feel or how I would react."_

"_So… does this mean you're into women as well as men?"_ Amanda had never thought of Olivia as a lesbian, but now that the idea had surfaced she could maybe see Olivia being bisexual.

"_Ah no, not really. That was just someone going down on me but Amanda, whether it's a man or woman that does it, it feels good. Really good. I don't mean to sound like a sex addict here but if you're into it and in the moment when it's happening, then it's overwhelmingly good."_ Olivia thought about her past encounters with women and was debating on telling the blond about them as well. She decided since Amanda was so honest with her, then she could trust the blond to understand them somewhat.

"_But I have had a few sexual encounters with women, taking them home from the bar I mean. Just like I had done with men. It was only two separate occasions. On both, there were no good men, either all that was left in the bar were criminals or sleezeballs who were a bit too grabby for my taste. The women were into me and they didn't look too bad in my opinion. I needed to get off so I took them home. We had fun and then they left. End of story."_ Olivia supposed you could say she doesn't mind having sex with women but in all honesty she'd prefer men.

"_Oh okay, I see. Well, it just sounds like you have loads of fun."_ Amanda wasn't being sarcastic, she was being honest.

"_Yeah sure, when I find the right ones to take home I do. You know what, that's what you should do!"_ Olivia exclaimed.

"_Liv, I am not taking home strange men from a bar just to boost my sex life…"_ Amanda just wasn't sure she was ready for Olivia's lifestyle, not yet if ever.

"_No, Amanda take a woman home. If you're nervous about a guy going down on you then take a woman home. I know who all the regulars are that come here. Pick one of them. I'm sure whoever you pick, she'd be happy to pleasure you however you wish."_ Olivia knew it was a long shot. She wasn't trying to get Amanda to actually take someone home from the bar. She was just trying to get her to be more open minded about things or at least make her more comfortable on the sexual field.

"_Oh no, Liv. I don't know about that. I don't think I could do that. I'm too shy of a person. The only person I have ever opened up to about sex and stuff was well… you."_ Amanda was starting to get shy again.

"_What about your first?"_ Olivia asked. Obviously Amanda would have talked things through with her first sexual partner before they had intercourse.

"_Well he knew I was a virgin and that's about it. I was twenty and so I figured he'd expect me to have already done it, you know? I didn't want him being rough and all cause I had heard it can hurt the first time so I told him I was a virgin. He seemed to be even more turned on about that. I guess guys get off on knowing they are marking their territory for the first time and shit like that."_ Olivia started laughing at Amanda's metaphor but quickly recounted what she had said.

"_Wait, you didn't have sex until you were twenty?"_ Olivia asked rather quickly with wide eyes.

"_Uh… yeah. Ha, I guess I'm a late bloomer huh?"_ Amanda joked.

"_My god! How did you manage not having sex until you were twenty?"_ Olivia really wanted to know. She was amazed at the blonde's sex life.

"_Well… I guess I just never found the right guy, you know? I mean, I knew I wasn't in love with him but I knew that I did love him on a level and I wanted him to be my first."_ Amanda smiled at the memory. _"He was kind and gentle. After I had told him I was a virgin, he told me he wouldn't hurt me, he'd try his best to be gentle and he was. Why? How old were you when you had sex?"_

"_Well… I uh… I was fourteen…"_ Olivia shyly said. She knew fourteen was far too young to have sex. Especially, with an older man. Now days he would have gone down for statutory rape.

"_God Liv, who did you have sex with?"_

"_Well, see what had happened was, my mom was and English professor and he was her student. He was twenty but I was crazy about him. Thought I was in love but I did have some of the best sex of my life with him. He was wonderful."_ Olivia loved reliving memories from her first love. They were so good together.

" _So what happened?"_ Amanda asked.

"_He uh… he asked me to marry him. I said yes, but turns out it was really just to get away from my mother. I wasn't ready for an engagement let alone a marriage. Plus, as soon as my mom found out, she came between me and him."_ Olivia started to get sad, remembering how it really was her mother who ruined everything for her back then.

"_Why did you want to get away from your mom so badly?"_ Amanda wondered what could have been so awful about Olivia's mother to make her committee to marriage just to get out of their home.

"_I'd rather not dwell on sad memories tonight, if you don't mind. That's another story for another time."_ Olivia told the blonde. _"But, I do promise at another time I will tell you, it's not because I don't trust you, it's just because we're having a good time tonight,"_ they both smiled and Olivia continued, _"And I don't want to put a damper on it"._

Then Olivia totally changed the subject, _"So what about her?" _Olivia said pointing to a sexy redhead sitting at the bar. They had a pretty decent view of the woman from their table. Olivia knew the redhead would be a safe bet for Amanda. She didn't come to the bar too often but when she did, she was just looking for some sexual fun. Olivia figured she would be perfect.

"_I don't think so, Liv. I'm just not ready to let some stranger go down on me even though I do need the experience. Hell, I want it. So bad, I do but I just can't."_ Amanda sighed. She just didn't want a stranger's mouth on her.

"_Then let me."_ Olivia simply stated looking at Amanda. She knew it would catch the blonde off guard so she allowed a few seconds for her words to sink in, not entirely sure if she should have offered her services to Amanda or not.

"_I… what?"_ Amanda was totally thrown. What was Olivia offering? And why on Earth would she offer it to the blonde?

Olivia stared at Amanda intensely to let the younger detective know that she was serious. _"You heard me Amanda. If you don't want a stranger doing it and if you don't want it to be awkward when a man finally does it for you, then let me. Just like my roommate did for me in College. No strings attached." _The brunette honestly didn't mind going down on her friend. She knew how much the woman dreaded the moment when a man would finally do it for her. Olivia herself remembered how nerve racking it was to think about it when she was in college; not knowing how your body will react, and actually being scared that you might not be able to get aroused because you're so nervous for the deed to be fulfilled.

"_I… I don't know, Liv. It might be weird and really awkward for us. I'd hate to ruin our great friendship that we've created over some stupid sexual act just because I couldn't get up the courage to let someone you know… do the deed on me."_ Amanda's face was now bright red. She was so surprised at Olivia's offer, and she was bashful that she was considering it.

"_Amanda, I don't have to but I want to. Well, I just want you to experience the fun, sexual experiences that you've been missing. I feel bad that you aren't having much luck in the sex area. Actually, you haven't had much luck at all it sounds like. If you don't want me to, it's fine."_ Olivia just needed the blonde to know what she was missing. Maybe if she experienced more and did more things, dated around more or had some fun in the bedroom, then she'd lighten up and enjoy herself.

"_I still don't know."_ Amanda wasn't sure if she wanted the act to be done or not. She knew she wanted it done and wanted to experience it, she just didn't know if it would be okay if Olivia did it. She took in account that it was a generous offer.

"_Don't think of it as a sexual act, think of it as practicing. You know, how when teenage girls make out with each other sometimes to make sure they are good kissers before they have their first kiss?"_ Olivia realized she was starting to sound like she was trying to persuade Amanda, and she didn't want that. She quickly changed her tune, _"It's okay, we don't have to, I just want you to know the offer is on the table if you never have anyone to help you go through the experience. You can think about it for a few days or weeks or hell, you can even forget I even asked if it really weirds you out that much."_

Amanda was starting to feel better with Olivia's last statement. She was realizing Olivia was just being a caring friend. Maybe Amanda should take her up on her offer? _"Thank you Olivia, really. I'm grateful you'd go that far for me but I would have to think about it. I just don't know. I really don't."_

"_That's perfectly fine. Now if you don't mind, I have my eye on a little someone on the dance floor that I'd like to go dance with…"_ Olivia started to get up but Amanda asked who she was talking about so Olivia had to sit back down and point him out.

"_That one right there."_ Olivia pointed to a muscular looking black man that looked an awful lot like the actor Shemar Moore from the famous tv show Criminal Minds. Except of course, for the tattoo he had on his left upper arm. From the distance they were sitting at, Olivia couldn't tell what the tattoo was, she only knew that it was turning her on.

"_Oh my,"_ Amanda said to her, _"he's hot! And I didn't know you had a thing for brothers! You sure know how to pick 'em. He's fine!"_ Olivia just started laughing.

"_Are you going to try and take him home?" _Amanda questioned Olivia.

"_Yeah… Are you okay with that? Is it gonna bother you? Because I don't have to. I don' t want to make you uncomfortable or anything. After all, I did come here with you. I mean I can just come back another nig-"_ Olivia didn't get to finish her sentence before Amanda cut her off.

"_It's fine, Liv. Go get him. I'd like to see you in action anyways. Maybe I'll pick up some tips." _Amanda smiled at her, letting the older woman know it truly was okay, that she didn't mind.

"_Are you sure?"_ Olivia wanted to make double sure because once she got out there on the dance floor there was no turning back.

"_Yeah. Now go show him what you got!"_ They both started laughing at that.

"_Alright, if you're sure."_ Olivia was starting to get excited. She hadn't had a man in her bed in weeks. She had put her friendship with Amanda first and that was something she was proud of.

"_Go!"_ Amanda said and Olivia headed to the dance floor. The man wasn't really dancing with anyone in particular. He was built and looked to be in his late twenties or early thirties. Olivia was more than happy to join him on the dance floor.

She walked up behind him, pressed her chest firmly into him, and let her hands wrap around him to grab at his chest. Then she slowly made her way to the ground, dipping low and making sure to slightly grab at his package on the way down.

"_Woah!" _He said a little loud, then turned around to see who was dancing up on him and grabbing his privates. He turned around and eyed Olivia on the ground, slowly making her way back up. _"Well hello baby."_ She smiled seductively as her hands touched the plains of his chest. Olivia was wearing a dress that went almost to her knees but was very low cut in the front. It hugged her curves in all the right places.

"_Hello, handsome."_ She said in her sexiest voice. _"I saw you dancing out here on the floor and I just couldn't help myself."_ She saw his eyes light up at that. She had him hooked.

He let his hands slide down her waist and grip her ass lovingly. She closed her eyes and bit her lip. She was definitely going to have fun tonight. Olivia looked over to where Amanda was sitting at their table watching. The blonde was clearly interested in everything that was happening.

He started dancing against Olivia, making sure she could feel his erection against her stomach. _"What's your name, sweet thing?"_ He asked her.

"_My friends call me Olivia."_ She said eyeing him up and down, letting him know she was interested.

"_Well Olivia, you are by far one of the sexiest women I've ever seen. I'd love to take you home."_ He was a usual man, not missing a beat and getting to the point.

"_Actually, I'd like to be the one to take you home. My apartment is two blocks away… think you can wait that long, big boy?"_ Olivia was using the nick name to refer to his huge erection.

"_Let's leave now."_ He said with excitement in his voice. Olivia grabbed his face in both hands and kissed him. It was gentle at first but then she separated his lips with her tongue and gave him a kiss like nothing else. She pulled back, _"Alright, let me get my purse…"_ She smiled and headed to her table.

"_I can see he really likes you,"_ Amanda stated, her eyes clearly lingering on his manhood, _"and it looks like you are gonna have a real good time…"_

The brunette could see that the blonde was starting to worry. _"Hey,"_ she looked the younger detective in the eyes, _"I'll be careful. You know I will and you know I keep my gun in the bedside drawer. I'm trained in defense. Plus, beside the gun is also a box of condoms."_ Olivia smiled to make the blonde feel better. _"I'm always careful on both accounts."_

"_Well, have fun,"_ Amanda smiled back, _"can I um… can I come over tomorrow morning and hang out? It's Saturday and all and I don't really wanna be by myself all day an-"_

"_Yes. Of course you can come over Amanda, you know you're always welcome in my home."_

Olivia put some money on the table to cover her drinks and with one last exchange of smiles the older woman walked away and back to the man on the dance floor. In a matter of minutes they were out the door.

**So, what do you think? I had a few people ask me to make them lesbians and a few people asked me not to.**


	4. Kitchen Floor

**Okay guys, here's what happened; I got put in the hospital for 3 weeks (long story) and that made me miss my college exams. So then I had to work on making up those three weeks of college classes on top of keeping up with my ongoing classes this semester. I'm terrible at updating naturally also. But I am sorry. Here is another chapter. I am also working on the next two chapters which I hope to have up soon. Please let me know what you think and if you like?**

"_I couldn't do it."_ Those were the first words Amanda had heard from Olivia Saturday morning.

The blonde had showed up to Olivia's apartment that morning around 9:30. She had hoped the man Olivia had taken home the previous night would be gone by then. However, the younger detective found the situation had totally been turned around.

"_What are you talking about , Liv?"_

"_The man I took home last night, I couldn't go through with dragging another man home from the bar. I ditched him before we even made it a couple blocks from the bar…"_ Olivia looked mentally and physically drained, like she had been up all night.

"_Why? I mean did something happen?"_ Amanda questioned, looking concerned for her friend.

"_Yeah, I realized I'm in my mid-forties and I need to stop acting like a slut,"_ Olivia let out a fake laugh, _"I feel like I fucking screw every damn guy in this city! I need some stability in my life. I'm starting to have a guilty conscious. I just don't know anymore. I just…!"_ Olivia had become aggressive and she threw her breakfast dishes in the sink with a crash, placing her hands on either side of the sink. She looked out the kitchen window, it was clear she had tears in her eyes that were threatening to spill over.

Amanda walked up behind Olivia and put her hand on the older woman's shoulder, _"Okay, Olivia. Alright." _A single tear fell down the brunettes face as she made eye contact with the blonde, then slowly turned around, and slid down onto the kitchen floor. Amanda got down and sat right beside her. _"Liv, what's going on?"_ She asked her, then put her hand on Olivia's arm. _"Come on, talk to me."_

The older detective wiped her face with her hand and adjusted the messy pony tail she'd put her hair in earlier that morning. Olivia stared at the floor in front of her. _"I can be the tough detective at work, you know? All brave and taking charge and shit. 'Badass Benson' if you will, but it's like when I come home and the badge and gun come off, I'm a different person." _She glanced at Amanda then looked away as another tear slipped down her face. _"I feel like a failure. I am a failure."_

The blonde put her hand on Olivia's shoulder, _"Look at me, Olivia."_ It took a few seconds for the brunette to respond to Amanda's request but she finally did. Amanda looked into the older detective's deep hazel eyes, _"Olivia Benson, you are in no way a failure at anything. Do you understand me?"_ The older detective just stared at Amanda as if she was trying to comprehend what she had said.

"_I don't have a husband; I never have been married at all. I have no children, no kids. I have no one to come home to. You're my only close friend and who knows how long that'll last, the moment you decide to move units or retire, I'll never hear from you again and lord knows you'll retire before I do because the job is my life. I'll never be able to leave it. It's all I have."_ Olivia had just started ranting off sentences in a frenzy, saying what came to mind.

"_I'm not him."_ It was a simple sentence that got Olivia's attention. She looked at the blonde with tired but yet alert eyes.

"_What?"_ Even though Olivia asked the question, she knew all too well what Amanda was referring to.

They sat side by side on Olivia's kitchen floor. As the brunette stared at her friend sitting beside her, Amanda stared at the wall straight ahead and didn't move but only to grab Olivia's hand with her own between them and interlace their fingers in a friendly gesture.

"_I am not him. I'm not Elliot Stabler. It won't happen between us like it did between you and him."_ Amanda tightened her grip around Olivia's hand as Olivia did the same. Now it was the blonde's turn to get teary eyed. _"You're the only one I got, Liv. I have my judgemental mom back in Georgia, then I got my psycho schizophrenic sister who is all over Georgia. One minute she hates me and wants me dead, the next she loves me and is needing some money. I came up here to get away from all that, plus my assault. But I didn't plan on how lonely it would be," _Amanda then looked to Olivia, _"or how hard it would be to make friends."_

"_Amanda-"_ Olivia started but was cut off pretty quickly.

"_I need you."_ Amanda blurted out. _"As embarrassing as it is for me to admit, I need you Olivia. I've gotten close to you. You're probably the best friend that I've ever had and if you'll have me, I'd like to stay friends for a really long time."_ Now Amanda had a couple of tears making their way down her face.

Olivia let go of Amanda's hand only to put her arm around the blonde's shoulders and tightly hug her while Amanda wiped her face with her hands_. "Of course. I'm sorry I thought otherwise. I've never been closer to anyone else in my life than I was with Elliot. Even then, I got burned. I trusted him with everything and he up and left me with nothing. It's just what I'm use to happening now."_

"_I know and I understand,"_ Amanda said to the brunette while gently laying her head on Olivia, _"but that isn't going to happen with me. AND you are not a failure at anything. You've accomplished so much in your lifetime and there is still much more you can do."_

They both sat there in silence for a few moments, still in the hug, enjoying the closeness that friends should have. When Elliot would come over for movie nights at Olivia's apartment they would either end up at opposite ends of the couch, usually with Olivia's feet in his lap, or if by chance they were watching a horror movie, they would both end up in the middle cuddling under a blanket while eating popcorn. It was one of the things Olivia missed about her friendship with him. She missed the comfort and cuddling. Especially if Olivia was going through a period when she didn't have a steady boyfriend, she'd get lonely and sometimes those movie nights or late night talks were the only things holding her together.

After the moment of silence Olivia spoke, _"You think I still have time?"_

Amanda didn't even have to question what the older woman was talking about, _"Yes, yes Olivia I do. Everyday woman in their fifties are putting a ring on it and popping out kids. Even then, there is always adoption if you want to go that route." _

Amanda's head was still leaned against Olivia's shoulder so Olivia, with a few stray tears still running down her cheeks, leaned down to put her head on top of Amanda's, _"I tried to go that route once… turns out I'm not parent material."_

"_They're wrong."_ Amanda quickly said.

Olivia snorted and started laughing at this. Amanda lifted her head to look at the brunette, _"What's so funny? I'm serious."_ Olivia couldn't help but smile. _"I know you are, it's just that that's the same exact thing Elliot said when I told him."_

"_Oh… um I-"_ Amanda started but the older detective cut her off. _"No, it's okay. It just means that you both cared about me and that you both think I'd make a good mom. It means just as much coming from you as it did from him. Thank you, I appreciate that."_ Olivia said with a smile.

By now they both had stopped crying and were just sitting beside each other still on the kitchen floor. _"So… I think we deserve some wine"_ Olivia stated while standing up from the floor, then reached out a hand to help the blonde up, _"and food."_ Olivia finished. _"I do believe I agree with that statement."_ Amanda replied with a small smile.


	5. Spilled Coffee

It had now been a total of 6 weeks since Olivia and Amanda had ended up on the Brunette's kitchen floor, both in tears. Since then they had gotten together two or three times a week to hang out or discuss gossip and such.

It was early Saturday night and both women were now seated on Amanda's comfy couch, she and Olivia were trying to even it up between who's place they'd have their girl's nights at. This night was their movie/pizza/beer/wine night. Sometimes Olivia just laughed to herself at the title. To her it sounded like there were teenagers who had finally snuck away some beer or wine and rented a movie and ordered pizza. The older detective would have killed for some girl time like this when she really had been a teenager in high school. This train of thought sent Olivia staring into space, thinking about her mother, and about how she would have probably been able to take some booze from Serena if she really wanted to, half the time her mother was too drunk to know how much alcohol was around. She'd probably just chalk it up to having drunk it the previous night in one of her drunken stupors.

"_Liv?"_ Amanda called her name for the third time, this time a little louder.

"_Huh? What? I'm sorry, I must have not been paying attention."_ Olivia tried to brush her off.

"_Come on, Liv. I know you better than that. Where were you just now?"_ Amanda asked, sitting across from the brunette on the couch, fully relaxed and ready to hear what was on Olivia's mind.

Olivia just sent her a small smile and added, _"Can't get anything past you, Detective Rollins."_ They both laughed lightly.

"_Really though,"_ Amanda pressed, putting her now empty pizza plate on the coffee table, _"Whatcha thinkin' about?"_

Olivia just decided to go with honesty. _"My mom"._

"_Oh, I didn't want to pry Oliv-"_

The senior detective just laughed, _"My dear, I do believe we are far past that stage in this friendship. It's fine really. I was just thinking about how I would have loved to had a girl's night like this when I was in high school"_ Olivia smiled warmly at Amanda.

"_Well, I know sleepovers ain't the best in the world but I'm sure all of yours couldn't have been that bad…"_ Amanda just wasn't understanding so the brunette made it clear.

Looking the blonde dead in her blue eyes, Olivia said, _"I had no sleepovers Amanda, no pizza parties, no dance parties, no stay up late and talk about boys kind of things."_ The brunette was really okay with talking about her mother's drinking. It's when she got to the part about her conception that really got to her.

"_Oh, Liv. I'm sorry. Some moms are just strict. They do it because they love you though."_ Leave it up to Rollins to try and see the good out of every situation.

"_I love your optimism, I really do Amanda, but I'm gonna say this as best as I can,"_ Olivia took a deep breath and in a loud whisper she continued, _"My mom loved the bottle more than she ever loved me."_ All the blonde did was look down at the couch and place her hand over Olivia's and gave it a squeeze.

It was hard for the younger detective to process what kind of mother could love alcohol more than her own child, especially when that child happened to be Olivia Benson, such a wonderful and brave woman.

Finally, Amanda looked up to the brunette, _"She missed out on knowing a beautiful person, Olivia. That was her loss and not your fault."_

The senior detective smiled at that and looked at the wall ahead. _"In a way, it is every bit my fault, but I'm gonna leave that part of the story for another time. This is getting so sad that it's pathetic!"_ Olivia looked over to Amanda, laughing, trying to lighten the mood. She loved when they had these heart-to-heart talks, but tonight Olivia didn't want to be anymore sad then she had to be.

"_Okay, so change of topic… I kind of met a guy…"_ Amanda revealed with a hint of excitement in her voice.

"_What?! Amanda when? Where? What does he look like? I'll need his full name so I can run a back ground check."_ Olivia couldn't keep from hiding the excitement in her face. She really was happy that her friend, quickly becoming best friend, had finally met a man she seemed happy to have met.

"_Haha"_, the blonde looked over at the brunette while finishing her 4th glass of red wine, Olivia only on her 3rd, _"Come on Liv, you know me better than that… I already ran a back ground check on him!"_ That's when they both lost it, both burst into laughter. Once a cop, always a cop.

"_Of course, I should have known."_ The senior detective set cross legged facing the blonde on the couch, fully ready to hear about this mystery man, _"So dish!"_ Olivia almost seemed more excited than Amanda.

"_Well…"_ the blonde opened up, _"He's about a foot taller than me, he has black hair and deep green eyes. He's really something to see…" _Amanda stared off into space just thinking about him_. "I met him at the coffee shop. Well, actually it was when I was in a hurry the other morning when we were working on the Morrison case and I kind of spilled my coffee all over him…haha god it was embarrassing!"_ They both were laughing.

"_Oh Rollins! You didn't!"_ Olivia was grinning from ear to ear. She's spilled her share of coffees on strangers due to a rush from the job.

"_Oh I did. He was very sweet. I offered to have his suit dry cleaned. He said there was no need but that we should exchange numbers just in case…"_ The blonde's face was pink with shyness.

"_So did you?"_ The suspense was killing Olivia. She needed more info. After all, in the past 6 weeks, Olivia had only had one man in her bed, and he was in her bet three separate times. It wasn't so much as dating but more of a fuck buddy. It was better than going out and picking someone up from the bars.

Amanda had told Olivia not to feel bad about her sex life, that it was hers and their friendship would never, ever suffer because Olivia caved and went to pick someone up at the bar. It was important to Amanda that the senior detective knew she was there for her no matter what happened with anyone or anything.

"_Yes, and the very next day he called me, which was yesterday. He asked me out to dinner next week."_ The younger detective disclosed.

"_Amanda, you should go. I mean it. Your face lit up when you told me about him. Go and enjoy yourself. Even if it doesn't work out, it's a free dinner."_ The brunette really wanted the blonde to find someone to have sex with. Good sex. Olivia had had her share of great bed partners but it seems Rollins hadn't known the luxury.

"_I know… I did accept. Of course, I told him I'd be on call so there was always the chance that I'd have to cancel. He seemed to understand, but I think he thought I was a nurse or something…"_ They both knew all too well what telling someone what they did for a living could do to a relationship. Olivia replied with _"Well, why don't you go out and see how it goes. Maybe you can discuss jobs over dinner or something. There's no need in telling him what you do if it doesn't work out. No pressure then."_ The brunette knew how to go about first dates with new men when it came to their jobs.

"_I know, that's what I'm thinking."_ Amanda looked up at the brunette in such a way that it got Olivia's attention_. "Hey Liv… I've been thinking… you know, about your offer…"_ The blonde's cheeks were now crimson red with embarrassment. However, Olivia seemed genuinely confused.

"_Now Rollins, anything I said when I was drunk I can't be accounted for…"_ The senior detective laughed and then seriously said _"Really, what offer? I'm more than likely good for it but you'll have to refresh my memory."_

"_Oh.."_ If at all possible, Rollins turned even more red. _"If you don't remember then we can just forget about it I mean I don-"_

"_Amanda, just say it."_ Olivia smiled but was firm. She knew the blonde could beat around the bush when she was nervous or shy.

"_You know, the offer you made to me in the bar a few weeks ago, the offer to you know…"_ Amanda made a facial expression with her eyebrows and Olivia got the picture.

"_Oh,"_ the brunette smiled softly, knowing this was a bit painful for the blonde to talk about, _"My offer to go down on you. Amanda, my offer still stands, it probably always will. I don't mind, really."_ Olivia was looking at the younger detective with confusion. She was trying to figure out why Amanda had brought the topic up.

"_Well,"_ The blonde looked down to where she was playing with her hands, _"I just, you know what if it gets to that level with this guy and I freak out because I've never had it done to me before? Or what if it doesn't even work out with this guy and I never know what it's like? God, I sound so selfish but you make it sound so wonderful and such…"_ By now Amanda was all out of sorts. Talking about this to the older detective was slightly embarrassing for her and especially nerve racking.

"_Amanda,"_ Olivia lifted the blonde's chin to where she was looking at her, _"Don't be shy with me, if it was a problem for me to do, then I wouldn't have offered it. Don't be embarrassed. It's okay if you want to try it and it's okay if you don't. And if at any time you get uncomfortable, we would stop. I would never make you do anything you weren't comfortable with."_ Olivia really hoped Amanda knew that too.

"_Well, of course Liv. It's just, I'm shy, I don't know how to act… what if I like it?"_ At that, the brunette had to laugh, then she added, _"Well hun, it's me, oh you're gonna like it."_ They both started laughing at that. This was easing Amanda's mind and making her feel better with herself. Especially since she lacked confidence.

Olivia sat back on the couch and looked at the blonde, _"Would you like to try it sometime?"_ The senior detective was wearing a small smile which was hopefully telling Amanda that it was okay, and she had nothing to worry about.

"_I… I think I might…."_ The younger detective looked over to the brunette with a goofy smile on her face, _"I mean Liv, you make it sound so good and it's not that I don't believe you but it's the 'what if's' and I don't want to be blind sided with this man if we get to that level and I just do-"_ Olivia had to stop the babbling blonde in midsentence.

"_Amanda, stop. You are worried about coming off as a lesbian, I can tell. Don't be. I know you prefer men just like I do. You don't have to make up excuses or try to make yourself feel better about your decision, especially when I'm the only one around. You know I never judge. It's okay. I want you to know that."_ Olivia needed Amanda to calm down, everything would be okay either way.

"_Thank you. Really, sometimes I don't know what I'd do without you."_ The warm smile Amanda had on her face warmed Olivia's heart. They had a true friendship.

"_So when do you want to do this"_ The senior detective asked.

"_Umm… well this is awkward."_ They both smiled. Olivia spoke next, _"We are both off Tuesday, not on call. You could come over Tuesday afternoon and we could see where things go from there?"_

"_Okay"_, Amanda shyly added.

Olivia didn't mind the task and was up for it. She just hoped Amanda was too.


	6. Close Friends

**Well here goes nothing, I hope y'all like it, I hope it's okay. **** Review?**

It was early Tuesday afternoon and all Amanda could do was pace around Olivia's living room while the brunette finished her dishes in the kitchen. The blonde was sure she'd never been more nervous in her life.

Olivia walking back into the living room and sat a freshly opened bottle of slightly expensive red wine on the coffee table, _"Drink"_, commanded Amanda. The younger detective looked at Olivia with a puzzled expression.

"_I'm not touching you until you calm down, relax, and are comfortable. Drink."_ The seasoned detective said with a smirk on her face. _"Liv, I'm-"_

"_Not calm",_ Olivia finished her sentence for her. _"You know what, maybe we shouldn't do this, you don't seem ready and I'd never want to make you uncomfortable and-"_ This time it was Amanda that cut off Olivia.

"_NO! I mean no, we can do this. I can do this. I need to do this. I'll be fine… just… let me finish this bottle of wine or something and I'll be okay. Olivia, I want to do this. I want to experience this and I want to be able to enjoy this part of sex with men in my life. Please."_ The brunette heard Amanda's voice quiver, she saw the desperation in her eyes. Olivia realized this was truly a fear for the younger detective, Amanda was actually scared of her own body and how it would or would not react.

"_Okay,"_ Olivia motioned for the blonde to have a seat beside her on the couch, filling up a wine glass, she handed it to Amanda, _"Breathe, okay? Don't be nervous and don't worry about what's going to happen. Don't worry about how your body will or won't react. No matter what happens everything will be fine."_ She looked over to the blonde and grabbed her hand and added, _"You know what happens here stays here. Nothing ever leaves this room, I promise. And no matter what the outcome is of whatever is going to happen, it will never, ever affect our friendship Amanda, you know that right?"_

"_Yeah… yes. I know. Just nerves I guess," _Amanda smiled a small smile.

"_Alright, so drink up, it'll calm you down and make you feel better, I'm going to go finish the dishes while you get better acquainted with the wine,"_ the brunette made her way off the couch and back to the kitchen, leaving the younger detective alone with her own thoughts.

1 hour and 40 minutes later, Amanda had finished the entire bottle of wine. Although, she'd taken it in moderation so it was a stretch to say she was even tipsy. However, the blonde's nerves had settled a great amount even though they were still there. She was much calmer now.

Olivia had already decided that they'd have their little party on the big, comfy couch in her living room rather than take things to the bedroom. She figured that'd make the younger detective really feel all out of sorts. _"Here,"_ Olivia smiled as she handed she slightly tipsy blond a robe, _"Go in the bathroom and take your clothes off. All of them, then come back and lay down on the couch. I'll be waiting out here."_ Rather than question her, Amanda took the white puffy robe and slipped into the guest bathroom. She was surprised at how much she had calmed. She was actually looking forward to this. She wasn't as much scared anymore as she was excited.

Amanda opened the bathroom door with nothing but the white robe on and looked at Olivia, who had changed into a tank top and some boy shorts, it's be easier for her to move around in those rather than jeans and a big t-shirt. The blonde walked over to the couch and rather than lay down just yet, she sat down beside Olivia.

"_You're calmer than I expected."_ Olivia commented as she raised her eyebrows in question.

"_Yeah… I hear a bottle o' wine 'll do that to you."_ The younger detective smiled slightly. She was actually okay with what was about to happen. She thought she wouldn't be when it got right down to it but she actually way.

"_I want you to understand,"_ Olivia stated as she looked Amanda directly in the eyes, _"if you say stop at any time, I stop. I won't question you as to why or what, I will just stop. Do you understand?"_ She looked at the blonde in question.

"_Yes, I do. Thank you so much Olivia. I want you to know this means a lot to me, what you're doing here and all…"_ Amanda began to blush.

"_Don't worry about it,"_ the older detective recited, _"and remember, you are safe with me, always."_ The blonde had never felt more safe with anyone and Olivia wasn't even her sexual partner, she was her friend who was doing her one hell of a favor.

Amanda just smiled in acceptance.

"_Now, I do need to ask,"_ Olivia had just became very serious, _"Are you okay with me kissing parts of your body? And touching parts of your body? I just want to make sure you get a good experience and I want to get you ready for me. It's kind of like sex, I can't just dive in, it helps if the other person is aroused first."_ It was an honest question in which Amanda answered honestly.

"_Yes. Olivia, you are free to do whatever you wish to my body tonight. I have anticipated this for so long. I… You have total control, okay? If I don't like something or if something is weird, I'll voice it. Don't worry."_ Now that the air was cleared, they both felt much better about what was fixing to happen.

The brunette took a breath, she seemed a bit nervous herself actually. _"Okay, lay down on the couch. Don't worry about your robe, I'll adjust it when I need to."_ Amanda did as she was told, laying back and closing her eyes just for effects which made Olivia grin.

The seasoned detective slowly parted the robe on the blonde's legs and began blowing hot air and kissing her ankles, slowly making her way up. Amanda's mouth opened, but no sound came out. As Olivia slowly made it right about the blonde's knees, she stopped this kisses.

At first, the younger detective was confused, but quickly her question was answered. Amanda felt Olivia sit on her lap.

The brunette place her hands on either side of Amanda's head, as she began slowly blowing more hot air, kissing, and even licking at Amanda's collar bones, making her way down Amanda's chest and parting the robe as she went.

"_Hhhmmmm…"_ A slow moan escaped the blonde's mouth. Amanda was finally enjoying herself.

Olivia slowly sat up and parted Amanda's robe in the front, leaving it tied at the waist, revealing Amanda's now perky breasts and very perky nipples.

Slowly, the older detective bent down and took Amanda's right nipple into her warm, hot mouth.

"_Holy shit_!" came as a harsh whisper from the blonde's mouth, which just made Olivia smile. The brunette knew she was good at this. It was one of her many talents that she rarely used.

After slowly giving Amanda's left nipple the same treatment, Olivia made her way down to the younger detective's waist and was just about to undo the knot around the small waist she was sitting on when a pair of hands quickly grabbed her wrists.

At first, Olivia was taken by surprise and wanted to jump into cop mode but she remembered where she was and what she was doing, or rather who she was doing.

"_Liv…" _Her voice was so small the brunette barely registered it coming from the body she was sitting on top of.

"_Okay."_ Was all Olivia said and she began to get up. That was all she needed to understand that Amanda wasn't ready and was having second thoughts but those two hands around her wrists kept her seated and in place.

"_No, Liv… it's just…"_ Clearly the blonde had something to say, she just didn't know how.

"_Honey, it's okay. I told you we could stop anytime, no questions asked."_ Olivia looked on as the blonde she was sitting on opened her eyes and looked to the older detective.

"_No, it's not that it's just umm…"_ Amanda was bright red and Olivia was confused.

"_What is it, Amanda?"_ Olivia asked with confusion in her voice and curiosity in her eyes.

"_Well you see… uh I wasn't sure if I should shave or not… you know… down there. And um so I shaved a couple of days ago but it's kinda fuzzy down there and…"_ Olivia started laughing as she realized part of the blonde's problem was being shy and not knowing if her private areas should be shaved or not.

"_Olivia! It's not funny! I'm being serious here!"_ Amanda said sternly as she sat up with the brunette still in her lap slightly laughing, letting go of Olivia's wrists and closing the front of the robe.

"_Oh, yes it is. Dear I could care less if you are waxed or a total bush down there."_ Olivia smiled at her warmly_. "You don't have to be shy with me, I told you that. Do you think I'm completely hairless right now? Hell no. I haven't gotten any action in over a week."_ The older detective put a slightly evil smile on her face, _"Sweetheart, it's not exactly smooth sailing down there for me either." _

Olivia playfully pushed Amanda back down on the couch. _"Now close your pretty little eyes and enjoy the ride."_

The blonde let out a small smile accompanied with a laugh letting Olivia know that she was okay now, and it was fine to continue.

Olivia opened up Amanda's robe once again to expose her breasts. She took her time squeezing them and feeling them along with tasting them. She wanted to make sure the blonde felt comfortable with her.

"_Mmmm damn" _escaped from the younger detective's mouth. Olivia just smiled and continued her job.

When the brunette finally got to Amanda's waist, this time she wasn't stopped as she undid the tie keeping the robe closed. She let it freely fall open, and the blonde's legs automatically fell open to Olivia. Amanda let out a small gasp as she was being fully exposed to Olivia.

The senior detective shimmied on down the blonde's body and positioned herself so that her face was leveled with Amanda's privates. Olivia took her time with Amanda. She made sure to kiss and lick every bit of skin outside the younger detective's pink lips. The blonde was ready for Olivia's mouth, the brunette could tell because she could see the wetness glistening off of her.

Slowly, Olivia parted Amanda's lips with her fingers and blew warm air on her.

"_Oh god…"_ came from the blondes lips to which Olivia replied with _"No sweetheart, it's just Olivia."_ The brunette couldn't help but smile as she received a light smack from Amanda but they were both smiling.

Finally, Olivia dipped her tongue into Amanda's wet folds, slowly and sensually. _"Oh, Oh my fuck!"_ escaped the younger detective's mouth. The blonde tasted ever so sweet but Olivia didn't really expect anything different.

Olivia began lapping at Amanda faster and she began sucking up her juices just a quickly as Amanda could produce them. _"Goddammit!"_ The brunette had never heard the younger detective use that word before, but even so it put a smirk on her face.

"_I… Liv… ugh!"_ Now Amanda couldn't even form sentences.

Olivia looked up into her eyes when she saw Amanda focusing on the job she was doing. _"Put your hands in my hair."_ Even though she knew the statement registered, Olivia still got a confused look from the blonde.

"_It makes it more enjoyable and you can control the pace."_ Olivia looked her dead in the eye, _"Trust me"_.

That was all Amanda needed to hear. Within seconds, Olivia felt two hands in her hair, although she could tell the blonde was still being cautious_. "Don't be afraid to pull or push my head,"_ the brunette told her, _"Or pull and twist my hair."_ Olivia looked up at Amanda with a wink, _"I kind of like that."_

Amanda was so grateful that the mood was so light. She was actually enjoying herself for the first time in a long time.

The blonde pushed harder as Olivia sped up her mouth work on Amanda's privates. The moans coming out of the younger detectives mouth could not be missed _"ooooh ohhhhh!"_, and _"Fuck, yes!"_, and also _"Holy shit! Shit!"_

Olivia could tell that Amanda was approaching her climax rather soon, so the brunette inserted one finger to help with pleasure, and soon after that she inserted another finger.

"_Goddamn! Liv… I…"_ Olivia knew what was about to happen and she was well prepared for it.

"_I'm… Shit Liv I'm gonna!"_ Without warning Amanda exploded into a million pieces on the couch in the middle of Olivia's living room.

"_FUCK, FUCK, FU-"_

Olivia did everything she could to make Amanda's orgasm last as long as possible, and it did last for a good few seconds.

They were both now panting and trying to get their breath back, Amanda laying on the couch with her eyes closed and Olivia laying her head on Amanda's stomach, she didn't have much energy to move to the other couch yet.

A couple of minutes passed, their breathing seemed to even out. Olivia reached down and grabbed a towel that she had set down beside the couch on the floor. The brunette whipped herself off, her hands, fingers, and face, and then she whipped Amanda off on her legs where they had gotten a little messy. She didn't dare touch the sensitive bundle of nerves between Amanda's legs just yet.

Olivia sat up and got off of the couch. Amanda opened her eyes and stared at the other detective. The older one leaned down and closed the blonde's robe to give her some decency, and then kissed her forehead while smiling, then went to sit on the other couch close by.

"_I… umm…"_ was all Amanda could get out of her mouth.

"_Yeah, they are all usually speechless when I get done."_ Olivia couldn't help but smile. She didn't want this to be awkward now; she wanted to lighten the mood.

"_Yeah, sure sure."_ Amanda came back with, _"but really Liv, thank you. I… I feel okay now. I feel better, well you know, more confident with things like this in the future…I just… thanks."_ Rollins had began tripping over her words.

"_You are welcome Amanda. Now what do you say, beer, a movie, and a pizza or Chinese take-out?"_

The blonde sat up and smiled, _"Either is fine with me."_


	7. Tough Case

**Yeah, yeah I suck at updating I know. I'm sorry, really I am because I know I absolutely hate it when stories I love don't get updated… speaking of stories I love, there are a few out there that I want to props to, especially since I'm super attached to them right now: "Ours"(But if you're going to read this one read the previous two "Mine" and "Yours"), "Hello, Goodbye", "Revelations", "Skin Deep", "When It Don't Come Easy", and "Trouble With Dames". I am following a lot of stories right now but those are my favs.**

**Also, you all should go read ALL the stories by ZombieJazz because they are all fucking awesome!**

It had been about a week since Olivia had pleasured Amanda and so far things were still normal, their friendship was still good and strong. Amanda's date went well. Not incredibly great but well. He was a nice guy, he even wanted to see her again but the blonde wasn't so sure how much she was into him anymore. He seemed kind of dull to her and bordering on being full of himself. She just wasn't sure if she was ready for the type of relationship that he was offering. Amanda was still young and vibrant. She was only thirty, and while she did want to settle down and have a family one day, she was thinking about getting to just date around and have some fun like she was supposed to do in her twenties, but just never did.

Olivia was left staring into the interview room after having just told Cragen and Nick that the woman who was impregnated by her rapist had skipped town. The captain knew how close to home this hit Olivia and he also knew his senior detective had likely helped the woman skip town, but he was more than on board with her so he let it slide.

As Captain Cragen left the room, Nick looked at Olivia as she looked through the glass into the interview room. _"You remember when you asked me about my family and about my father and I told you it was a long story?"_ The brunette had stated as she took a sideways glance at nick. He answered with a simple _"Yeah"._

"_Well…"_ she looked at him as a stray tear made its way down her face, _"It's not that long…"_

"_Oh, Liv",_ he stated but before he could say more Olivia held up one hand to stop his next sentence. Detective Olivia Benson did not take pity. She didn't want it and she didn't need it. She was just having an emotional moment of weakness because this case hit too close to home for her. The senior detective gave him a half smile before walking swiftly out of the room.

Nick followed after her, wondering if he should make sure she was alright. Olivia kept walking past the desks in the squad room and made her way quickly to the bunks, planning to take a few minutes to herself.

Nick decided it was best to stay in the squad room so he got situated at his desk. Everyone else seemed to be busy working except for Amanda, who had noticed the tears running down her dear friend's face.

"_Nick"_, the blonde said in almost a panic, _"What's going on?"_

"_She uh… she probably just needs some time to herself for a few minutes."_ He said as he was focusing on logging onto his computer at his desk.

"_What happened?"_ Amanda demanded walking around to Nick's desk, causing him to look at her.

"_She um… she just revealed some of her family history. I think it was hard for her you know, she's Badass Benson. No one's really seen her cry."_ Nick really didn't feel comfortable telling Olivia's business to Amanda if the blonde didn't already know.

"_Nick"_, she stated yet again, _"What happened? Don't make me ask you again."_ The blonde said with all the seriousness in the world.

"_I just…"_ He started, _"This case hit a little close to home for her, if you know what I mean."_

"_How is that… What are you talking about Nick?"_ Amanda couldn't figure out where the hell he was coming from. _"She doesn't even have children never the less being the mother of a product of rape. I'm sure you misunderstood. She was just probably worried about the mother. I overheard Olivia say she was worried about the mom not being able to love the baby or possibly developing a dri-" _and it was then that the blonde went silent and looked to Nick with hooded eyes.

"_Amanda?"_ He was starting to get worried by the look on her face.

"_Drinking problem"_, the blonde finally finished her sentence as all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place.

"_What are you talking about Rollins?"_ Nick asked.

"_My god"_, was all she said for a moment. Then, _"She identifies with the baby, not the mother."_ Amanda stated, looking at Nick. He just hung his head and turned his attention back to his computer as he began to work on his DD5's.

Amanda turned around and made a B-line for the bunks. When she got there she waited outside the door to see if she could hear anyone in there besides Olivia, but all she heard was the sound of soft cries.

"_Liv"_, Amanda started as she opened the door.

Olivia Benson sat on the third bottom bunk to the right facing the far wall with her back to the door.

"_I'm fine Amanda. Just give me a few minutes and I'll be back out there."_ The brunette stated, not even bothering to turn to face the blonde.

Naturally, Amanda ignored Olivia's request and made her way over to the seasoned detective, making sure to shut the door first. The blonde sat down beside Olivia and took one of her hands in her own, lacing their fingers, showing the older detective support.

"_You could have told me."_ Was all Amanda said and she held Olivia's hand tightly. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what she was referring to. The senior detective figured Amanda would find out sooner or later.

"_Amaro's got a big mouth…"_ Olivia stated.

"_Nah, this ain't on him. He just dropped a few clues and I put it together myself."_ The blond retaliated. Olivia stayed silent for a few moments.

"_You know,"_ the younger detective started again, _"I wouldn't have judged you or thought different about you. Your father doesn't have anything to do with the woman you are today."_

It was silent for another few seconds before Olivia added, _"He has everything to do with who I am today. I have half of his DNA inside me Amanda,"_ the senior detective turned to face the blonde as another tear made it down her cheek, _"Half of me is a drunk and the other half is a rapist."_

The blonde turned to meet the brunette who was already facing her, _"Olivia, listen to me."_ This time Amanda took both of Olivia's hands in her own and looked her dead in the eye. _"The drunk and the rapist are the descriptions of your parents, not you, not the sweet, loving, caring, protective Olivia Benson that I have come to know and love as one of my greatest friends."_

Olivia sniffled a bit and looked down, _"Sometimes, when I get really mad at a perp and my anger flairs, I feel like my father. Sometimes I just want to bash a perp's head in for raping and murdering little girls and boys and I know my father would act like that… Sometimes it scares me that I could be like him."_

"_Oh Liv-"_ Amanda was cut off before she could even comfort the brunette.

"_And sometimes after a really tough case or a really terrible perp goes free because we didn't have enough to hold him, I go home and drink myself silly. I get mad at the world and just want to forget for a little while…"_

"_Olivia, that doesn't make you an alcoholic honey. It doesn't." _The blonde was doing her best to comfort her friend.

"_Vodka."_ Was all the older detective said next.

"_What?"_ Amanda asked in question.

"_Vodka"_, Olivia replied, _"it was my mother's drink."_

With that last sentence Olivia let go of Amanda's hands and buried her face in her own just letting the tears fall. The blonde knew what it was like to have a terrible home life. She knew all too well, so she put her arms around the brunette and offered her a shoulder to cry on.

"_You, Olivia Benson,"_ Rollins whispered in the older woman's ear, _"are not your mother or your father. You are one of the most beautiful, level headed, honest person that I've ever met and had the privilege to become friends with."_ Olivia just sniffled and silently cried on Amanda's shoulder.

This went on for about two minutes. Finally, Olivia let go and backed away. She whipped her face and fixed her hair. Amanda just looked at her with a comforting smile on her face.

"_Thank you."_ Came in a small whisper from Olivia's lips.

"_You know good and well you don't thank me for this,"_ the blonde smiled, giving the older woman's arm a tight squeeze. _"That's what friends do."_

While the two women made their way down the stairs and back into the squad room, Fin had been sitting at his desk for a few minutes now asking where his blonde partner had gotten off to so Nick had just gotten done catching him up on Olivia's breakdown and how Rollins had gone to see about her.

Olivia's face was slightly puffy and red, her make-up was for the most part gone but it was almost the end of the day anyways, so she didn't bother reapplying it when she had gone to the bathroom to clean herself up.

The brunette seated herself at her desk and began to log onto her computer while the blonde went and sat across from Fin, preparing to finish her DD5s for the day.

Fin looked at Amanda and then looked to Olivia. He knew they had started a friendship. He was actually happy they did. Neither one of them seemed to have many close friends, if any at all and he knew girls needed to have girl talk and movie nights and shit that women do to let loose. He just hoped Olivia would open up to Amanda and let her in. He wouldn't be surprised if she didn't though, not after the hell the Elliot Stabler put her through.

He got up and slowly made his way to Olivia's desk, making eye contact with Amanda along the way and dragging his chair with him in order to sit beside Olivia but facing the opposite direction.

The brunette didn't even bother looking up, she knew it was him and she knew he was there to check on her. Olivia would normally protest but right now it comforted her to see that people cared, although she'd never admit it.

"_Baby girl, how you doing?"_ He said looking at her as he sat down.

Olivia stopped typing and turned to him briefly and added, _"Well Fin, how does it look like I'm doing?"_ before she returned to typing on her computer. She wasn't being a smart ass, she said it honestly.

"_I know you're not okay, especially after this case. Liv, I know it hit close to home for you."_ He stated. All she did was glance at him and nodded, the returned to her computer yet again for fear of getting teary eyed. She didn't want to cry anymore, not in front of her squad anyways.

"_You talk to Amanda about it?"_ he asked.

"_Yeah, I did. I tried to anyways…."_ She said this time fully turning to face him, and not even bothering to go back to her computer.

"_She's good for you, you know."_ He said.

"_Fin, we're just friends. That's all. You know I don't really bat for the other team."_ She said a little shocked.

"_No, baby girl. That's not what I meant. I mean she's a good friend for you. You both have shit. Baggage. You both can understand each other, be there for each other. You know, the shit friends do."_

Olivia laughed at that, almost embarrassed she'd taken his comment the wrong way. _"Oh, yeah. Yeah we are good like that. She doesn't judge me, seems to generally care. Let's see how her disappearing act is though."_ The brunette honestly didn't know if she was joking or not. Part of her was still a little scared that she'd get too close to the blonde and then Amanda would leave.

"_She's no Elliot Stabler."_ Fin said with all seriousness. _"She's a good southern girl who keeps her word. That'll never happen in a million years."_

"_I know, I know. I just… I'm hesitant you know? I'm just… I don't know, being careful."_ Olivia replied. _"But she's a great friend, better than Elliot actually."_ She almost surprised herself with the honesty of the last sentence.

"_Yeah?"_ he said.

"_Yeah."_ Olivia said with a small smile. _"She's not catholic. She doesn't care how many men I've slept with, she doesn't judge me. I know El tried not to judge me, he really did but sometimes his catholic guilt won out."_

"_I know. He always pissed on me about me and my girl watching porn." _Fin replied with a small smile on his face, his sentence causing Olivia another smile as well.

"_Haha, well you know I pissed on you about that too if I do remember correctly."_ She said but then added, _"But I take it back. I'm sorry and I had no right to judge you for what you and your woman do in the bedroom."_ It almost sounded sad that she was apologizing.

"_Hey, don't worry about it. You know I don't hold any grudges against you, baby girl."_ He smiled and squeezed her arm.

"_I know… I just…"_ She stopped short, for fear of becoming emotional again, which she was on the verge of.

"_Hey, doll face?"_ He looked at her dead in the eye.

"_Yeah Fin?"_ She questioned.

"_I'm here. You know that. I know you got Amanda now, but I'm still here if you ever need me. I got your back just like always."_ He said honestly.

"_I know."_ She whispered as she smiled, her eyes getting misty again, _"Thank you."_

He smiled as he leaned in to hug her, then going back to his desk.

Nick hadn't really been watching or listening. He knew Fin and Olivia were close and figured the just needed to talk. The Latino detective was just more focused on getting his work done so he could get home and get some sleep. This had really been a rough case on all of them.

Amanda however, had observed the whole thing. She hadn't been able to hear much, and to be honest, she didn't want to. She would never really invade their privacy like that. But she did take in how Fin acted with Olivia. He cared about her like a sister. Amanda knew Olivia was surrounded by good people, she just hoped that would help the older woman heal some wounds that weren't yet scars.


End file.
